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Rocketship- Farscape- PG

TITLE: Rocketship
AUTHOR: comedownstairs
FANDOM: Farscape
DISCLAMER: So don't belong to me, la
CATEGORY: Off on a rocketship, prepared for something new.
SPOILERS: Into the Lion's Den 3
AUTHOR'S NOTES: So unbetaed omg.

The fact was, dying didn't scare him. It had, at one time. When he'd first been taken from his home, when the Peacekeepers had first started educating him in their ways, he'd been terrified of the prospect. He'd been even more worried for Tauvo, and so he'd kept his fears under wraps for his sake. Which had worked, and by doing that, Crais had been able to work through it himself. You had to be stronger than the fear. After a while, once he got used to it, the fear went away. One mission after the next, it got easier. He didn't die this time, and now he was better prepared on how not to die next time. He still knew how to be cautious, how to have some self-preservation.

And for a long time after Tauvo died, he became stronger than that, too. At least that was what he told himself at the time.

He might have entertained some notion of memorizing the look on Aeryn's face when he told her what he was planning, but the truth was, he knew there was no point in it. Besides, she was past having much of a visible reaction to this sort of thing. She didn't even put up much of a fight. "You don't have to do this," she said, expression as blank as ever.

"No," Crais agreed, nodding. "But can you think of a reason not to?"

It was a good thing he wasn't actually looking for one, because Aeryn would have been the exact wrong person to ask that question if he was. She knew loss. Once, he could have made the argument that if he was keeping score, he'd lost more than she had. It would have been tactless, but it would have been true. But as much as he hated to admit it, with the loss of her Crichton and her reaction to it, she'd far surpassed him in some respect he didn't quite understand.

She got it, though. She understood. He didn't have a lot to live for anymore. Talyn would have been sufficient, but between Xhalax, and the Peacekeeper techs working on him now, he wasn't going to be the same. He'd been damaged to begin with, but in large part, Crais had understood him because of that. Without Talyn, his options weren't that good.

And for the first time since he'd ever had to think about his own mortality, Crais knew he wanted to die on his own terms. The Peacekeepers really could never take anything from him- or Talyn- again. He actually felt badly that he was leaving Aeryn behind, that she still had things to lose. Which she did, whether she realized it or not yet.

Pity was a new emotion, or one he'd forgotten long ago. He didn't like rediscovering it now, for this reason.

He'd expected a fight from Talyn when he explained what he wanted to do. He'd expected to have to convince him, because this wouldn't work without his cooperation. Talyn must have known what was happening to him, though, because there hadn't been an argument. Maybe part of the fight he'd always put up was because he knew he wasn't entirely right, and he'd just hidden that. Or maybe Crais hadn't known how to comprehend or recognize that himself.

He only wished he could have seen the look on Scorpius' face when he realized what was happening. Even if Crichton and Aeryn and the others weren't able to make this work, even if they didn't make it out, it was too late to worry about that at this point.

When he told Talyn to fire, and closed his eyes, blinding light visible even behind his eyelids, Crais knew he'd finally won.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Aug. 15th, 2007 06:22 am (UTC)
Pity was a new emotion, or one he'd forgotten long ago.

Love that line. Perfect explanation for Crais through so much of the series.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )